Unexpected.

I had a hot shower this morning.  That might not sound like a big deal to you, but to us it's a special treat.  Mutt's parents are visiting us right now, helping us put in some insulation and drywall, and visiting with Junebug.  They prefer to stay at a hotel, so we have access to heat on demand, a laundry room, a shower, and hot coffee in the morning.  Sleeping in a fresh bed, freshly clean from the shower, and with a belly full of some of the best Chinese food we've ever had - it has been a weekend of luxury, the likes of which we haven't had in ages.

But this visit has also meant increased contact with civilization.  Extra meals out mean extra "what can I get you, ma'am?"  and more people calling me "mommy" to Junebug.  It means being confronted again with Mutt's father, who refuses to use male terms and pronouns with me, no matter how often I ask him to.  It means being pulled out of my usual comfort zone, my usual social circle (such as it is), and being confronted with the obvious female-ness in the eyes of others.

I took a hot shower this morning.  But first, as I got the water running and warming up, I caught a glimpse of a stranger in the room with me.  In the mirror behind me, there was a woman.  For a moment, all I could do was stop and stare.  The woman's body - something that I haven't seen in months, in my world without bathrooms or large mirror - had my face perched atop it, wearing an expression of confusion and dismay.

I took a hot shower this morning, and met my dysphoria there.  It was worse than I thought.

Metamorphosis.

I am nice to a fault.  The last thing I want to do is make waves.  Ok, maybe a few little ripples, but not big damaging waves that hurt feelings and cause drama.  I just want to live my life and let others live theirs.  But the time for "nice" is coming to an end.  The time for gritting my teeth and pretending to be ok in an attempt to spare others - because "I know it's hard for people" - is coming to an end.  Because, ME.  It's hard for me.

I am he. I am him.  My things are his things.  My life is his life.  I am Junebug and Badger's dad. I am Mutt's husband. I am Tristan, and I am HE.

Welcome to my blog.  Welcome to my journey.