17.4.15

There is a spirit which I feel that delights to do no evil, nor to revenge any wrong, but delights to endure all things, in hope to enjoy its own in the end. Its hope is to outlive all wrath and contention, and to weary out all exaltation and cruelty, or whatever is of a nature contrary to itself. It sees to the end of all temptations. As it bears no evil in itself, so it conceives none in thought to any other. If it be betrayed, it bears it, for its ground and spring is the mercies and forgiveness of God. Its crown is meekness, its life is everlasting love unfeigned; it takes its kingdom with entreaty and not with contention, and keeps it by lowliness of mind. In God alone it can rejoice, though none else regard it, or can own its life. It is conceived in sorrow, and brought forth without any to pity it; nor doth it murmur at grief and oppression. It never rejoiceth but through sufferings; for with the world’s joy it is murdered. I found it alone, being forsaken. I have fellowship therein with them who lived in dens and desolate places of the earth, who through death obtained this resurrection and eternal holy life.

Thou wast with me when I fled from the face of mine enemies: then didst Thou warn me in the night: Thou carriedst me in Thy power into the hiding-place Thou hadst prepared for me: there Thou coveredst me with Thy Hand that in time Thou mightst bring me forth a rock before all the world. When I was weak Thou stayedst me with Thy Hand, that in Thy time Thou mightst present me to the world in Thy strength in which I stand, and cannot be moved. Praise the Lord, O my soul. Let this be written for those that come after. Praise the Lord.

 - James Nayler

Back To The Future

On February 6th, life changed. One second, one mistake, and everything is topsy-turvy yet again. Our chickens are gone, our land is for sale, and we're learning to navigate the medical and disability system. But, far more challenging, Mutt is learning to live and farm as an amputee. On February 6th, an accidental gunshot took his left arm, all the way to his shoulder.

A slow and frightening winter rescue proved a few things to us. Our lack of winter road access is not ok. The level of snow we deal with here is not ok. And the yearly taxes are really not ok. Our plan was, and is, for our land and livestock to pay their own bills, so we only need a bit of income from odd jobs to support our modest lifestyle. At $200/month in property taxes alone, that isn't going to happen where we are, in the most expensive state in the nation. So our land has been listed, the clean-up and staging process has begun, and we're shopping for land down south, in a beautiful and inexpensive area. We'll be living rougher than we are now, starting over from the ground up, but with more time and money to work with. After hitting the bottom of hope when the accident happened, we are now climbing back up.

In the meantime, our life is dominated by phone calls to government agencies, disability forms, OT appointments, and fighting to get Mutt's new arm covered by our insurance. That is my full time job, while Mutt's work is to recover and learn to live again as a three-legged dog. He cooks, he cleans, he does everything he needs to do for himself. Learning to handle Junebug, on the other hand, is a work in progress. He's taking a crash course in what my days are like as a stay-at-home dad.

Tomorrow Mutt will step into our house for the first time since the accident happened. In fact, we'll probably be spending the night there. Hopefully it will be a healing experience for both of us, and will start us towards letting go of what happened, and letting go of one set of roots in favor of a new one.

26.1.15

Things I have learned as a stay-at-home dad:

* All those people who say "there's never a dull moment" are full of shit. There are tons of dull moments. Reading your toddler the same book for the 10th time is a dull moment. Picking up yet another pile of dumped blocks/crayons/buttons/cheerios is a dull moment. Cleaning the same parts of the same tiny house day in and day out are dull moments. After a while you want to gouge out the mushy remnants of your brain with one of your spotlessly clean forks.

* The people who urge you to appreciate every moment are also full of shit. As much as you love your kids, you can't focus on them 100% of the time without killing your own soul in the process. And you're going to need that soul soon because, as those same people will tell you, they grow up fast. If you focus all your energy on your kids to the point that you lose yourself, you'll turn into one of those parents who tries to intervene when Junior gets a bad grade in college. Don't be one of those parents. Your sense of self is vital.

* Your relationship is also vital. Unless it's a life or death situation, always put your spouse/partner before your kids. Always. Model the kind of relationship you want them to have someday. You want the have a happy long term relationship/marriage, right? Make sure you have one, and they'll follow suit.

* Ignore your kids sometimes. Let siblings learn to work out their problems without your intervention. Let singletons learn to entertain themselves without your direction. These are important life skills.

* Small children desperately want to murder themselves. Believe it or not, it's your job to let them try. Don't let the actually do it, but the learning process is important, even when they get hurt. Maybe especially when they get hurt.

* Homeschoolers: don't get so wrapped up in your lesson plans that you don't let your kids do whatever the fuck they want for at least an hour or two every single day. They need free play even more than they need lessons.

* And so do you. Do whatever the fuck you want while they do the same. Put down the broom and sponge, and play. Some with them, and some without them. See the "sense of self" section above.

* Take it outside. All of you, every day, all year. Yes, even in the snow. Fresh air is good for them and you. Feeling housebound is definitely not good for them or you.

* Turn everything off, even the radio. Silence really is golden. Bonus: they'll be calmer, and nap better.

* Even on the bad days, do appreciate being with them, as much as you can. You can't enjoy every moment, but try to enjoy a few moments each day. Record some of them, in photos or a journal. They really won't last.